Other Side of Fear

Okay, so you know that moment when someone does something for themselves, but it also happens to be EXACTLY what you need. So much so that even though normally it would leave you broken and crying in the fetal position (because you’re over emotional and dramatic), but because it happens to be just what you need – you’re totally fine. Yeah, that’s happening. Except instead of totally fine, I’m totally spazzing out over it because I’m PERFECTLY FINE and for once NOT over-thinking a damn thing. I realize that makes no sense.

I’m at a point in life where I’m very aware of the changes taking place and my own personal growth. Instead of feeling upset or rejected I’m just like, oh right, it’s time. Then I’m frustrated that I’m so okay with it… I don’t even fully know why. I realize that part of it is just that change is new and always a little bit uncomfortable, but also there’s part of me that feels like if I’m totally fine then WOW have I been lying to myself for longer than I can remember.

I started out totally overthinking it and it wasn’t even ten minutes and I was just, like, oh wait, that’s not what happened. Then I was fine, annoyed, but fine. I’m not even really annoyed about it happening just that it’s so freaking simple. I have every confidence that I will be fine and at one point can manage to just be myself without being awkward. For now, back to the plan where I just learn some independence and evolve a bit more. So yeah, I’m here just kind of reeling through the frustration and annoyance. I need to get busy on something… Growing up is not cool, dammit!

Overthinking to Just Be

Once you realize that you’re stuck in your own mind its easy to see that you need to stop. If you’ve ever tried to not think about something you know this merely adds pressure with no actual solution. So, naturally, you start thinking about what will get you distracted.If you’re like me, you’re going to fall back on some distracting hobby you enjoy. Reading, writing, music, walking, and bubble baths are my big go to distractions. Sometimes they work and sometimes it takes several of them all at once or one after another.

In one of my classes this semester we’ve been studying how to change your own behavior. A big focus of this is how stuck in patterns we get, to the point where you’re not even aware of said behavior. For example, biting your nails is a very automatic habit that many people have experienced. One of the tips in stopping this is to recondition yourself to understanding what this behavior feels like. They suggest actually participating in the activity with COMPLETE focus. Make your mind aware of what is going on so that it doesn’t switch straight over to auto-pilot.

Using that theory, I have started to push myself into activities that will make me feel better (or at least should in theory). Instead of allowing the frustration to take over and giving up, I’ve started to really pay close attention to what I’m doing. Paying attention to how it feels and imagining how I want it to feel. I find my mind wandering back to my troubles, but just like with meditation I keep redirecting the thoughts back to what is going on in that moment.

Stop overthinking. Just be. Eventually the gap will close and you’ll realize how much energy you’ve been wasting on needless worry and bad habits.