Just Breath

There’s days when I let the over-thinking go to my head. Anyone that has known me for more than a conversation will tell you that – but other times… Other times – these times –  I think that I’m a little bit ahead. I’ve already ripped off the band-aid of good wishes, polite courtesies, and soft cushions. 

It’s time to let go. It’s time to push forward. It’s time to forget. It’s definitely time to hurt. Acknowledging the pain for what it is is the only thing that will allow you to let go of it. Breathe in the moment, understand that it hurts, and know that in a few days, weeks, months… you‘ll be okay. You’ll be stronger and have that much more awareness. 

Fixing things isn’t always an option. Sometimes the best course of action is to just let it slowly fade away. Not everything is meant to work out, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t need to experience it. Love is messy, all types, but it’s where we learn the most. It’s where we find the truth in ourselves and understand what we’re truly capable of. 

Whether other people tell you or not is irrelevant. After a while you begin to recognize that small bit of distance and the cracks that are growing until the whole thing comes crumbling down. 

 

Move On Part II

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sometimes we stumble. It is in those moments we realize how imperfect we are. We realize that, like everyone else, we don’t actually have any idea what we’re doing. In many cases, this is the moment where you realize that your fears and habits have been leading the way and causing a wake of destruction.

Stop focussing on that. Right now. Seriously. You’re better than your mistakes and you’re better than the path you’ve been walking on. It got you here and now that you’re aware of it, you and ONLY you have the power to change it. Maybe you’ve made mistakes that seem like nothing but a bruise or maybe you’ve been such a selfish asshole that you’re doing more than just frustrating people – you’re literally shoving them out of your life with the choices you’ve made.

Either way, you can’t change that. Don’t apologize for the nine-hundredth time. Don’t dwell on what you could/should/might have done differently. Take a breath, wipe your eyes, and take the next step forward. Become comfortable in your own discomfort. Remember this feeling because you never ever want to come back here.

I’ve had a fixation with the illusion of stars for some time now. There’s at least half a dozen quotes and songs about the stars and darkness and what magical and wonderful clusters of energy they are. Just like us. It’s this moment when you decide to stop hiding, stop apologizing, stop needing.

After years of being trapped in my own thoughts I’ve started to feel human again. I’ve started to look at things from a completely different perspective. One in which I am NOT the center of every action, thought process, or event. Don’t get me wrong, I never thought the world revolved around me – it was more like every bad thing that happened, negative thought, or accident revolved around things I did wrong.

If someone was quiet for a little while I assumed I did something wrong. If someone was angry or upset I assumed I was either a. making it worse or b. not good enough to make it better. If I wasn’t secure in my own value as a person I would do everything I could to be pleasing, accommodating, and helpful. These are all horrible, horrible mistakes.

If you’re still reading my crazy rant, then I’m going to assume that you’ve connected with some part of it. Here’s the thing, stop overthinking it. Get out of your own mind and assume that all those worries and fears you have don’t matter, because they don’t. What matters is how you respond and even more how you accept other people’s responses.

People want to be nice to you. They want to be your friend. They want to care about you. Let them! Don’t make it difficult and don’t make them feel like they have to carry you. Recognize that you probably help them in ways you haven’t even realized. Because let’s face it, as people we use each other. Not in a selfish or hurtful way, but we’re drawn to people who either present an opportunity for us, make us feel something, teach us, etc. There’s a million things you get from the people you care about.

They’re getting something from you too or they wouldn’t be around. You matter. You have value. Deal with it and move the fuck on already. Just stop needing that validated and be calm. Love of all kinds is slow to build, but that is what makes it real and the growth is what makes it last. Give it the time it needs, you’ll only benefit in the long run.

Other Side of Fear

Okay, so you know that moment when someone does something for themselves, but it also happens to be EXACTLY what you need. So much so that even though normally it would leave you broken and crying in the fetal position (because you’re over emotional and dramatic), but because it happens to be just what you need – you’re totally fine. Yeah, that’s happening. Except instead of totally fine, I’m totally spazzing out over it because I’m PERFECTLY FINE and for once NOT over-thinking a damn thing. I realize that makes no sense.

I’m at a point in life where I’m very aware of the changes taking place and my own personal growth. Instead of feeling upset or rejected I’m just like, oh right, it’s time. Then I’m frustrated that I’m so okay with it… I don’t even fully know why. I realize that part of it is just that change is new and always a little bit uncomfortable, but also there’s part of me that feels like if I’m totally fine then WOW have I been lying to myself for longer than I can remember.

I started out totally overthinking it and it wasn’t even ten minutes and I was just, like, oh wait, that’s not what happened. Then I was fine, annoyed, but fine. I’m not even really annoyed about it happening just that it’s so freaking simple. I have every confidence that I will be fine and at one point can manage to just be myself without being awkward. For now, back to the plan where I just learn some independence and evolve a bit more. So yeah, I’m here just kind of reeling through the frustration and annoyance. I need to get busy on something… Growing up is not cool, dammit!