Move On Part II

“When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sometimes we stumble. It is in those moments we realize how imperfect we are. We realize that, like everyone else, we don’t actually have any idea what we’re doing. In many cases, this is the moment where you realize that your fears and habits have been leading the way and causing a wake of destruction.

Stop focussing on that. Right now. Seriously. You’re better than your mistakes and you’re better than the path you’ve been walking on. It got you here and now that you’re aware of it, you and ONLY you have the power to change it. Maybe you’ve made mistakes that seem like nothing but a bruise or maybe you’ve been such a selfish asshole that you’re doing more than just frustrating people – you’re literally shoving them out of your life with the choices you’ve made.

Either way, you can’t change that. Don’t apologize for the nine-hundredth time. Don’t dwell on what you could/should/might have done differently. Take a breath, wipe your eyes, and take the next step forward. Become comfortable in your own discomfort. Remember this feeling because you never ever want to come back here.

I’ve had a fixation with the illusion of stars for some time now. There’s at least half a dozen quotes and songs about the stars and darkness and what magical and wonderful clusters of energy they are. Just like us. It’s this moment when you decide to stop hiding, stop apologizing, stop needing.

After years of being trapped in my own thoughts I’ve started to feel human again. I’ve started to look at things from a completely different perspective. One in which I am NOT the center of every action, thought process, or event. Don’t get me wrong, I never thought the world revolved around me – it was more like every bad thing that happened, negative thought, or accident revolved around things I did wrong.

If someone was quiet for a little while I assumed I did something wrong. If someone was angry or upset I assumed I was either a. making it worse or b. not good enough to make it better. If I wasn’t secure in my own value as a person I would do everything I could to be pleasing, accommodating, and helpful. These are all horrible, horrible mistakes.

If you’re still reading my crazy rant, then I’m going to assume that you’ve connected with some part of it. Here’s the thing, stop overthinking it. Get out of your own mind and assume that all those worries and fears you have don’t matter, because they don’t. What matters is how you respond and even more how you accept other people’s responses.

People want to be nice to you. They want to be your friend. They want to care about you. Let them! Don’t make it difficult and don’t make them feel like they have to carry you. Recognize that you probably help them in ways you haven’t even realized. Because let’s face it, as people we use each other. Not in a selfish or hurtful way, but we’re drawn to people who either present an opportunity for us, make us feel something, teach us, etc. There’s a million things you get from the people you care about.

They’re getting something from you too or they wouldn’t be around. You matter. You have value. Deal with it and move the fuck on already. Just stop needing that validated and be calm. Love of all kinds is slow to build, but that is what makes it real and the growth is what makes it last. Give it the time it needs, you’ll only benefit in the long run.

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Accept the Moment – Then Move On

This feeling of discontent within me is starting to be more than just bothersome. I have spent the better part of my day blaming myself for not acting better and then rebounding into acting worse. It wasn’t a consistent problem, but a back and forth all day that left me very unproductive and annoyed.

The thing about it is that even though I know I’m the one who created this situation AND the one not making it better, I’m still trying to forgive myself. I just know that I don’t want to forgive myself if already crossed that line of irredeemable. I want to do the right thing and I want to make better choices, but instead I keep punishing myself by making the wrong ones.

Why do we all feel the need to push love away so damn much? I don’t just mean sexual or romantic love, but all forms. Any fracture in my walls and I’m spiraling through the emotions of both joy and fear. I don’t want to do this anymore and the simplist answer is just stop. Anyone who’s heard of ‘the white bear’ knows how pointless that is.

So here I am, breathing, trying to accept that I feel this way. I’m trying to understand that this is just a moment in time and not a permanent state of being. Even if I can’t fix this, I can learn from it and do better next time. I just don’t want that to be the case. Maybe part of accepting this moment is to give into that and allow myself the liberty to cry. I’ve been pushing it away – trying to get a million things done – but maybe it’s time.

I can only hope that while other people may not understand the struggle, they do understand that I’m sincere. I don’t want to keep being this way and I’m trying to change. I just need to make it happen and stop being afraid. How hard is it to just let go and accept this? I see so many people doing it every day and even though we all know we’re going to get hurt eventually, we also know we can and will survive.

Maybe it’s time to accept myself. I know that I’ve survived a lot and I’m not even going to downplay what those incidents were. I’m just accepting them. I came through stronger. I can do it again.