This feeling of discontent within me is starting to be more than just bothersome. I have spent the better part of my day blaming myself for not acting better and then rebounding into acting worse. It wasn’t a consistent problem, but a back and forth all day that left me very unproductive and annoyed.
The thing about it is that even though I know I’m the one who created this situation AND the one not making it better, I’m still trying to forgive myself. I just know that I don’t want to forgive myself if already crossed that line of irredeemable. I want to do the right thing and I want to make better choices, but instead I keep punishing myself by making the wrong ones.
Why do we all feel the need to push love away so damn much? I don’t just mean sexual or romantic love, but all forms. Any fracture in my walls and I’m spiraling through the emotions of both joy and fear. I don’t want to do this anymore and the simplist answer is just stop. Anyone who’s heard of ‘the white bear’ knows how pointless that is.
So here I am, breathing, trying to accept that I feel this way. I’m trying to understand that this is just a moment in time and not a permanent state of being. Even if I can’t fix this, I can learn from it and do better next time. I just don’t want that to be the case. Maybe part of accepting this moment is to give into that and allow myself the liberty to cry. I’ve been pushing it away – trying to get a million things done – but maybe it’s time.
I can only hope that while other people may not understand the struggle, they do understand that I’m sincere. I don’t want to keep being this way and I’m trying to change. I just need to make it happen and stop being afraid. How hard is it to just let go and accept this? I see so many people doing it every day and even though we all know we’re going to get hurt eventually, we also know we can and will survive.
Maybe it’s time to accept myself. I know that I’ve survived a lot and I’m not even going to downplay what those incidents were. I’m just accepting them. I came through stronger. I can do it again.